Survivor: "Kindergarten Camp" or "Pathogens, My Butt"

So, here we are, week two in Survivor day camp. On the next page, you'll there's a quiz to find out if you're a Brains, a Beauty or a Brawn! The overuse of the word "Brains" is starting to creep me out, so I'm going to henceforth refer to them as the "Smarts" team. I understand alliteration. Do you understand zombies?

We see a little "Previously On" to get us excited, but it only makes me sad because poor Darnell got sent packing before he had a chance to stab anyone in the back. Then there's the Strong (you like where I'm going? You're welcome) tribe, back in camp with their night-vision cameras after tribal, and Alecia is thanking her tribe for keeping her, saying she'll do better. Scot NBA says, "Now can you trust us? Now can we trust you? Thank you." like he settled the issue. Ugh. It is clear he does not understand this game, or maybe just life. Jason is the kind of Brawn who can win, Scot is the kind of Brawn Jason keeps around to help him win votes. Alecia confesses they were saying they really wanted her here but they were talking crap to her in Tribal and she heard a lot of whispering and maybe someone said "I changed my mind" so perhaps they didn't want her around. Perhaps she doesn't understand the game either. Everyone confesses she was on the brink of destruction when they decided last minute to keep her, despite Darnell's crying. Or because of it? That's cold. Anyway, Jen and Alecia try to start a fire and Alecia keeps getting in the way, which is interspersed with Jason's confessions about how annoying Blondie is. Alecia says they almost got an "embryo" (ember) with the fire, but it went out, and Jason and Scot dream of the day they can send Alecia to Ponderosa or college.

Next is Sexy, showing a division between all the young, hot people floating in the water and Tai, up on the beach staring at them. I'm worried! I like Tai, and he should be awkwardly getting in the water and mixing it up with them. He's worried too, so he decides to look for the idol again, because how much worse could it go this time? Despite finding some red ants, he keeps looking and finds - a paper in a tree! "The hidden immunity idols is buried at the base of this tree." Interesting. He finds a bunch of weird things, and the note says the idea is locked in a box right there, but he has to go find a key to unlock it, hidden at the top a palm tree somewhere. Interesting again. The idol-hiding team is really getting creative these last couple seasons. Idols in challenges? Idols you found but have to unlock? Great work, everybody. So he finds the tree and tries to climb it, but his feet are literally bleeding as he tries to get up there.

Tree-frogging it again

Augh!  Gross! His body is all sandpapered up!  They gave him a tool when he found the idol box that he doesn't seem to be using, so I wonder what it is and if it is an elevator. He doesn't make it and he'll try again later. Ugh!!!

After a commercial break, we head on over to the Smarts tribe, giddy with their newfound riches and burning their leg hair off with large amounts of kerosene and matches on their fire. They totally seem like pampered scholars, tossing their resources around while the peasants who built their castle are toiling in the fields. Only, it's the people who can live like peasants who make in this show. So we will see. Liz is glad to have a fire because she is so dehydrated because she won't drink the well water because she has to boil it first because it might have germs. I'm split on this issue. Normally, in life, I'm out on drinking random water from places. If Mexico and Naked and Afraid have taught us anything, it is that.  But this is a television show where they now provide you with water. It is standing water, yes, but it is standing in a giant ceremonial urn probably purchased at Home Goods. I think I'd risk it. Debbie agrees with me. She doesn't want to touch Liz's boiled water (like boiling it would make it more contaminated?) because the chance that there are "organic chemicals" in the water needing boiling is slim to none. She is an expert water-looker (apparently that's her job?) and can tell if it's good by looking at it. Add that to her resume. Liz and Debbie are both on my list. Luckily, Debbie is there so we can next have a montage of Debbie moments, started off by Peter saying when he met her he wondered if she has 30 or 40 cats. Probably 40. Probably more like ferrets. I can't even explain everything that is said in the Debbie montage except that it's gold, and Peter completely understands her and how to get her on his side. And it ends with her cheering with palm frond pom-poms "We've got the biggest FRONTAL LOBES!" And lack of social awareness!

She's lits juggling

Next at Beauty, they're eating sugar cane for breakfast and there's a bit of tense situation going on. Someone says they have a kids'  appetite, and Tai thinks that's cute. Beast Mode Caleb says "Oh, you think that's cute?" and glares at him for a while holding a sharp stick, while Tai explains himself and tries to laugh off the glare. Geesh, this isn't looking good.

Awkward...

Tai tells Caleb he missed him last night and he's cuddlelicious. Caleb says last night Tai said he was cold, and asked if he could hold Caleb. In the back country, they don't have a lot of Tais and he's unique. And a weirdo? Is that where we're going? When he asked if he could hold him, Caleb said, sure man, you can hold me. "There is no such thing as homophobe in this man right here. I like hanging out with him, because he is one of a kind, for sure." Ha! Great editing, editing team! I seriously thought this was going a mean direction, but it was actually a setup for a wonderful odd couple bromance! What do I love more than a bromance?! Very little.

Just kidding! We love each other!

They argue about killing a bee, Tai dares Caleb to suck the eyes out of a fish, Tai tries to "bite" some of the fish out of Caleb's mouth, prompting a stolen kiss jokefest. Tai says he hopes he's not getting Caleb in trouble with his girlfriend, and Caleb says, "No, man. Next time, just ask." This is the best! The best!!

Next is trouble at Smarts Manor. Apparently, these smooth, white-handed folks with the large frontal lobes have used too much kerosene and then let most of it spill, while also letting their matches get wet. And now they're having trouble building a fire, because the last fire was built for them on the backs of the working class. Joe and Debbie are bonding over being old and annoyed with messes, and Joe is annoyed with Liz, who is "dying for some freshly boiled water" and trying to micromanage their fire attempts. She's mad because it won't get hot enough to kill any pathogens, and Joe responds with the subtitle. Listen, Joe sounds two grunts away from yelling at Liz to get off his lawn, but I'm not trying to get coffee with her either. She probably doesn't eat at McDonald's. She probably eats freshly ground peanut butter with no salt. Eww. Liz confesses "I'm just really emotional right now because I'm physically very weak, and Joe doesn't seem to understand or appreciate that I really need a fire going." 90% of that statement applies to every person who plays Survivor. Suck it up, princess!!

When you float, your negative neurons get redirected into positive energy

Me whenever Liz talks about pathogens

Lots of complaining is happening over on the Brawn tribe. They're hot, they can't make a fire to kill water pathogens, they can't cook their chicken, they're sunburned, Alecia is annoying, they have earbugs. Jen interviews that they may look brawny but - they're really scrawny?!! We're really weak. Ah, boo. You missed that chance, Jen. Alecia is trying to buy back good graces so she spends 4 or 5 hours trying to get the fire going while everybody sleeps. Eventually she hits pay dirt and gets a spark and the others rush over to help it. Yay! People are impressed with her resolve and they eat some chicken and feel happy.

Dramatic music ushers in our next challenge. It looks like a really good one. I'm excited. They have to carry a heavy log through river and some obstacles, then they have to slingshot some bags to hit two things down. Basically. Let's begin.

Survivors ready?

And they're off! Slogging through the water toward the logs looks like great fun. Then out of nowhere, Caleb Beast-Modes it through the water ahead of everyone else. He's practically hopping along the top like a hungry sea skater.

Go Caleb, go Caleb, go, go, go

The next person after him (about 2.5 miles back) is Jason, who sees the tiny speck ahead of him that is Caleb and turns on his inner beast mode. The two of them make it to the logs ahead of everyone else by a long shot, getting started on untying the logs. Caleb is like, "Cool, I see you also took that course on how to walk on water in boot camp." Wait, coincidence the two of them were the ones in the military? I don't think so. Also wait, Jeff just said they can't start untying until everyone is there. Did he just make that up on the spot to punish them for being unreasonably fast? He's just jelly.

Anyway, they all get their logs untied and Brawn is first by a bit. I can just see them summoning their chicken strength. All three tribes are sloshing through the water carrying the logs on their shoulders. Jeff reminds them that the logs are about 300 pounds each. As the get to the first obstacle, all three tribes realize they can float their logs along the river instead of carrying them around like a seat for Xerxes, and they all do that for the remainder of the race.

Ahhh, so relaxing

As you can see, Beauty catches up with Brawn and Smarts is behind by a couple lengths.



Beauty and Brawn reach the last obstacle puzzle maze thing at the same time, with Smarts pulling up the rear.

"Use that gray matter!" Unfortunately, I think they are.

Yellow is hauling through the maze, with people just toppling out of it into the water. That's the kind of attitude I like to see! By the time everyone's through the maze, untie the rope from the log and head to the platform with the slingshot, Beauty has pulled way ahead and Smarts has caught up to Brawn. However, Yellow's rope is too tangled and Brawn ends up taking the first slingshot - shot. ? Caleb's flip out of the water and bedazzled jeans are not helping his tribe - OH WAIT Brawn misses and Caleb hits on his first try. They're officially in the lead, but Bug Jen is reeling in her rope like a crazy woman and Blue hits on their first try also. Red finally hits, Yellow hits and wins first immunity!! It's a race between Peter, the ER doctor and Scot the NBAer and the edge goes to - Blue! Smarties pull ahead for the immunity! Way to go, guys. Red is not sad they killed their chicken because it's looking like none of them will make it to the merge. Although of course they can't be true because it wouldn't make any sense. Back to Tribal Council, suckers!! And yet again, the show is following the pattern of when there are three tribes, the first team to lose will just keep on losing. Three tribes is too many! It doesn't work!

Back at camp there's lots of sadness and discussion about sending Alecia home. She runs off and tries to find an idol, and I'm sure she will because I can feel it in my bones that the producers don't want her to go home. However, she doesn't find one. What she does find is Jen, eager to chat about an all-girls alliance and she's thinking about sending Jason home. This is a good idea. Jason is a good contender and he and Scot are close. Jen brings it to Cydney, and Cydney is down. Then as she is talking to the boys again, she's like, actually maybe not. She literally says something like, I'm the kind of person who will get distracted by shiny things and think about something but maybe it's not a good idea. She tells Cydney she's not sure about the whole Jason thing. Cydney is like, girl, you better get your act together. Sounds like more decisions to be made in Tribal.

They get to Tribal and Jeff says, Alecia, you probably feel like you're on the chopping block. Yep, she does. Then he pulls out the notes he took while hiding around in the bushes of the Brawn camp and talks to Jen, saying there are lots of ways things could go, one of which is an all-girls alliance that would try to take down the boys. She says, yeah, sure things were up in the air. Way to go, Jeff. The ting-a-ling music plays and Jason and Scot raise their at Jen. Scot says he's never heard this, so he's concerned. At first, Jen has the smug smile of someone who is surprising with big moves, and Jason says the great thing about this game is that it can change "on the drop of a dime." They argue, and the boys call her out, that from all they heard she was good with them but now they're hearing she was wavering, talking about voting out Jason. Finally, Jen's bug crawls out of her ear and she starts to realize she's making some terrible, terrible decisions. She starts backpedaling, saying just because there were other ideas thrown around doesn't mean the plan was changed, and she's a nice person so she was trying to make Alecia feel good her last day around, and that Alecia is spreading lies. Alecia is watching this self-destructive personal tennis match with wide eyes and a wider smile. The boys say they didn't know any of this until Jen herself started talking about it right now. In the grande finale, she stands up on the bench with her arms out, pleading them to keep her because she's super devoted to her alliance and so so strong.

This is amazing. Yay for semi-starvation and awkward social situations!

They totally believe her. At least, that's what I get from Jason frowning and shaking his head at Cydney. Time to vote.
Jen.
Alecia.
Alecia.
Jen.
dum dum dum
Jen!!!
Best day ever! All I want from Survivor is people self-imploding and throwing rice in the fire, drowning shoes in the ocean and getting themselves voted off by telling their alliance they were thinking about betraying them. Even better is Jenn exit-interviewing that she is shocked they didn't keep her and she has no regrets and also that she doesn't even miss that part of her brain the worm ate.

Next week on Survivor: A mad dash for the idol in Brawn tribe and some pushing down of small blonde females in the jungle. Tune in.