Survivor: "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" or "I'm Going to Miss Him So Much"

OKAY. Can I just start off by saying this is the most frustrating episode of Survivor I've watched in a long time? Don't even get me started; I don't want to talk about it. Ok, I'm ready.

Previously, on Survivor: it was hot and people didn't understand the weather. Brawn finally didn't lose, but things are seriously awkward over there.. Liz got that tiny smug smile wiped off her face, and Debbie's like, Neener neener neener, Peter.

The first thing we see in this episode is a challenge. Whaaaa? A challenge so early? Does that mean the triumphant return of the reward challenge?!?!? Yay! How many times have I been saying they should have more reward challenges? They're good entertainment and they provide so much more fodder for scheming and planning and whatnot.  Which is also good entertainment. What do they get?  Cooking stuff. They have to hop over some hurdles, then dig under a pole and get everyone under. Cyd is first for Brawn, in a hole barely small enough for a little garden snake. She looks awesome, coming up first.

Get it, girl.

People filter through and then next, the teams have to dig three bags of balls from a circle and toss them into little holes. They all start digging and immediately feel the heat. It looks pretty miserable. Maybe it's the heat, but nobody seems to be employing a strategy for finding the bags. Most teams look sort of in the middle, just digging listlessly.

Grid it up like an archaeological dig, ya'll.

45 minutes later...Yes, they're all digging in the sand for almost an hour.

See?

What is Jeff doing this whole time? Still yelling at them, or did he take a lemonade break? Blue finally finds their third bag and heads off. They get every single ball in and are cooking steaks back at camp before either other tribe finds all their bags. Well, almost. Debbie starts looking faint and Joe decides to call medical in against her wishes. She's like, I'm fine. He's like, you're setting my socks on fire with your breath. So medical comes in and it's really awkward, because right then Beauty gets their bags and starts tossing balls, but it all feels very anti-climatic with Jeff over with Smarts. And suddenly, as soon as medical and Jeff get there, Debbie is like, I'm overheating, I have heat stroke. And apparently, as she confesses, it's her job to know when she "is heat stroke." Which definitely makes sense, and also it definitely makes sense why she was like, no, I'm cool. Come on, Debbie. Don't make me so frustrated with you. Don't be like all those girls from The Bachelor who are like, ah, I'm fainting, I better get a rose hahaha just kidding but for realz? You know better. So Beauty's working on their balls while medical is working on Debbie, who eventually is like, I'm good to go. And the fact that she's been talking this entire time will just show later that she definitely did NOT have heat stroke, and was maybe a bit overheated. In the midst of all this begins one of the things about this episode that had be gritting my teeth. Brawn is still waaaaaay behind but they're still digging (in the middle of their circle, I might add, and they're like 4 or 5 feet underground at this point. I think they hit a spring of water or something). Here is an exact transcription of what transpires in the midst of their pit of despair:

Alecia: Teamwork, teamwork. Come on, Scot, we got this.
Scot: Yeah, keep cheerleading, it's what you're best at.
Alecia: It's about being a team.
Scot: Yeah, I've got two bags, how many you got?
Alecia: (slightly non-secquiter to avoid the super-meanness) I think we've dug every foot.
Jason: Just dig. Just shut the *&%$ up and dig. I'm not trying to be a #(%^, I just wanna find these things.

I can't even with these clowns. They've been increasingly nasty to her throughout the days and I just don't understand it. She's totally cool! She might be a bit weak, a little annoying, but she's giving it her all and she's encouraging the team. She's specifically encouraging the people who she knows don't like her and voted her out!! These are grown men, treating her like this. Ugh. Over it.

So finally, magically, Brawn finds their last bag and start tossing. Jeff ramps up his commentary like they have a chance, but Beauty only has only ball left and they shut them down. So Brawn's out any cooking stuff and everybody looks super strung out.




As soon as Caleb, for Beauty, sees the last ball go in, he starts heading off toward the shade and collapses in the sand. Everyone's standing around the aftermath and Caleb slinks off by himself, like a dog to die, says my husband. His tribe mate brings him some water, which he can't even feed himself. All this while, Jeff and medical are chatting it up about Debbie, who's a faker and FINE now and Beauty is trying to cool off their hot shot star challenge winner. Finally Jeff notices and tries failingly to keep the glee from his voice as he bounds off, shouting "Let's take a look at Caleb, too! Whee!" Medical rushes over to Caleb who looks in seriously bad shape. He can't talk or move and is barely emitting some grunts and moans in between fast, shallow breaths. Also convulsing a little. It's concerning. One gets the impression that Caleb is not the kind of guy that would ever act like he was injured, so to see this is pretty scary. Jeff seems to get the reality of the sitch and yells for water water WATER WATER. Cydney also is looking bad. She is heaving and Jason lays her down in the shade and she starts hysterically weeping. This is just madness. The entire crew gets called upon to bring water, fans, shade, ice, a bag of saline and an IV, whatever they can to cool the patients down. Debbie is on her feet. So glad you're better, Debbie. (Listen, Debbie, if you ever read this, I am sorry you were overheated. But do you see what happened to Caleb? You were not heat stroke.)

Chaos.

Seriously, this is crazy, ya'll.  They're continuing to work when the medic says to Jeff they need to call a chopper for an evacuation. Say what now? He was so calm this whole time, I thought it was going well. But Jeff yells for the chopper to come and evacuate Caleb. Cydney is apparently is doing better now and Jason has been with her the whole time. Which is nice, but let's take a side minute to think about if it was Alecia was the one freaking out. I can't really think about it, because it's making me mad. You know they would be all, she's so weak, she got heat stroke. Lame. Send her home. Anyway. So Jeff goes to Caleb to tell him that he's being evacuated and Caleb barely shakes his head no. Jeff tells him too bad, doctor's orders. This whole time I'm like, no, no, he's going to come back, right? He's going to be fine in like, 20 minutes? He's coming back, RIGHT?! AUGH!!!! Seriously, though, I know they're concerned, but he's not going to die (right?). They don't have secret medicine that cures heat stroke other than what they have there that the need to evacuate him, right?! But the medics know what it will cost him to be evacuated, and they usually don't make that decision lightly. But still.

Jeff goes over to Beauty to ask them if they're ok and to tell them that Caleb is being evac'd 2ever (as my daughter says). They're incredulous (duly so) and most of them start crying, except Nick, who I'm pretty sure is a Cylon. Then they load Caleb up on a stretcher and take him away.

Not how I thought Caleb would go out.

They take a little pause to let his tribe tell him bye, and he shares a lingering hand touch with his BFF Tai. SRSLY NO

Jeff gathers everyone around to give a rundown of the event (2 and a half people got heat stroke, man it's tough out here SLRRP my lemonade). Drama, much?

Back at Brawn camp, Alecia is giving Scot what for about being such a giant jerk to her in the sand pit. He's pretty unapologetic, although he tries to say that he really did appreciate her trying to pump them up, so his comment was not totes sarcastic. My eyes literally hurt from rolling so hard. She's not backing down and Im' pretty impressed that she's not letting him get away with being so mean, even though everyone else on her tribe is also so mean to her. Well, Cydney isn't so mean forthright, but she's clearly not on her side. Jason gets in on the action. I don't even remember what he said but I know he was being unnecessarily rude. even confesses that he has two girls that he would be ashamed to see growing up like Alecia. Bwah?? She's holding her own; she's been a hard worker at challenges, supportive to the team, kind in the face of adversity, and now she's standing up for herself against to big bullies. You go, girl! I'm rooting so hard for her to find the other half of the super idol.

Chikka chikka wah! (Dramatic music. Did that not come across?) Challenge time. Immunity is up for grabs. And I'm reminded that Caleb almost killed himself for a REWARD challenge. And they didn't even get first place! They only won, like, a blanket and a bag of cotton balls for their comfort reward. Hashtag NOT WORTH IT!! Bring him back! Although, I forgot to mention right after that dramatic heat stroke scene, they gave us this:




Which is unusual and I'm pretty sure their way of saying, don't worry, we'll let him come back next season and play against Joe, Woo, Grant, Malcolm, and everybody who's been a challenge beast. Which, please do that! I'd love a season of super competitive challenges!

So they have to