Survivor: "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" or "I'm Going to Miss Him So Much"

OKAY. Can I just start off by saying this is the most frustrating episode of Survivor I've watched in a long time? Don't even get me started; I don't want to talk about it. Ok, I'm ready.

Previously, on Survivor: it was hot and people didn't understand the weather. Brawn finally didn't lose, but things are seriously awkward over there.. Liz got that tiny smug smile wiped off her face, and Debbie's like, Neener neener neener, Peter.

The first thing we see in this episode is a challenge. Whaaaa? A challenge so early? Does that mean the triumphant return of the reward challenge?!?!? Yay! How many times have I been saying they should have more reward challenges? They're good entertainment and they provide so much more fodder for scheming and planning and whatnot.  Which is also good entertainment. What do they get?  Cooking stuff. They have to hop over some hurdles, then dig under a pole and get everyone under. Cyd is first for Brawn, in a hole barely small enough for a little garden snake. She looks awesome, coming up first.

Get it, girl.

People filter through and then next, the teams have to dig three bags of balls from a circle and toss them into little holes. They all start digging and immediately feel the heat. It looks pretty miserable. Maybe it's the heat, but nobody seems to be employing a strategy for finding the bags. Most teams look sort of in the middle, just digging listlessly.

Grid it up like an archaeological dig, ya'll.

45 minutes later...Yes, they're all digging in the sand for almost an hour.

See?

What is Jeff doing this whole time? Still yelling at them, or did he take a lemonade break? Blue finally finds their third bag and heads off. They get every single ball in and are cooking steaks back at camp before either other tribe finds all their bags. Well, almost. Debbie starts looking faint and Joe decides to call medical in against her wishes. She's like, I'm fine. He's like, you're setting my socks on fire with your breath. So medical comes in and it's really awkward, because right then Beauty gets their bags and starts tossing balls, but it all feels very anti-climatic with Jeff over with Smarts. And suddenly, as soon as medical and Jeff get there, Debbie is like, I'm overheating, I have heat stroke. And apparently, as she confesses, it's her job to know when she "is heat stroke." Which definitely makes sense, and also it definitely makes sense why she was like, no, I'm cool. Come on, Debbie. Don't make me so frustrated with you. Don't be like all those girls from The Bachelor who are like, ah, I'm fainting, I better get a rose hahaha just kidding but for realz? You know better. So Beauty's working on their balls while medical is working on Debbie, who eventually is like, I'm good to go. And the fact that she's been talking this entire time will just show later that she definitely did NOT have heat stroke, and was maybe a bit overheated. In the midst of all this begins one of the things about this episode that had be gritting my teeth. Brawn is still waaaaaay behind but they're still digging (in the middle of their circle, I might add, and they're like 4 or 5 feet underground at this point. I think they hit a spring of water or something). Here is an exact transcription of what transpires in the midst of their pit of despair:

Alecia: Teamwork, teamwork. Come on, Scot, we got this.
Scot: Yeah, keep cheerleading, it's what you're best at.
Alecia: It's about being a team.
Scot: Yeah, I've got two bags, how many you got?
Alecia: (slightly non-secquiter to avoid the super-meanness) I think we've dug every foot.
Jason: Just dig. Just shut the *&%$ up and dig. I'm not trying to be a #(%^, I just wanna find these things.

I can't even with these clowns. They've been increasingly nasty to her throughout the days and I just don't understand it. She's totally cool! She might be a bit weak, a little annoying, but she's giving it her all and she's encouraging the team. She's specifically encouraging the people who she knows don't like her and voted her out!! These are grown men, treating her like this. Ugh. Over it.

So finally, magically, Brawn finds their last bag and start tossing. Jeff ramps up his commentary like they have a chance, but Beauty only has only ball left and they shut them down. So Brawn's out any cooking stuff and everybody looks super strung out.




As soon as Caleb, for Beauty, sees the last ball go in, he starts heading off toward the shade and collapses in the sand. Everyone's standing around the aftermath and Caleb slinks off by himself, like a dog to die, says my husband. His tribe mate brings him some water, which he can't even feed himself. All this while, Jeff and medical are chatting it up about Debbie, who's a faker and FINE now and Beauty is trying to cool off their hot shot star challenge winner. Finally Jeff notices and tries failingly to keep the glee from his voice as he bounds off, shouting "Let's take a look at Caleb, too! Whee!" Medical rushes over to Caleb who looks in seriously bad shape. He can't talk or move and is barely emitting some grunts and moans in between fast, shallow breaths. Also convulsing a little. It's concerning. One gets the impression that Caleb is not the kind of guy that would ever act like he was injured, so to see this is pretty scary. Jeff seems to get the reality of the sitch and yells for water water WATER WATER. Cydney also is looking bad. She is heaving and Jason lays her down in the shade and she starts hysterically weeping. This is just madness. The entire crew gets called upon to bring water, fans, shade, ice, a bag of saline and an IV, whatever they can to cool the patients down. Debbie is on her feet. So glad you're better, Debbie. (Listen, Debbie, if you ever read this, I am sorry you were overheated. But do you see what happened to Caleb? You were not heat stroke.)

Chaos.

Seriously, this is crazy, ya'll.  They're continuing to work when the medic says to Jeff they need to call a chopper for an evacuation. Say what now? He was so calm this whole time, I thought it was going well. But Jeff yells for the chopper to come and evacuate Caleb. Cydney is apparently is doing better now and Jason has been with her the whole time. Which is nice, but let's take a side minute to think about if it was Alecia was the one freaking out. I can't really think about it, because it's making me mad. You know they would be all, she's so weak, she got heat stroke. Lame. Send her home. Anyway. So Jeff goes to Caleb to tell him that he's being evacuated and Caleb barely shakes his head no. Jeff tells him too bad, doctor's orders. This whole time I'm like, no, no, he's going to come back, right? He's going to be fine in like, 20 minutes? He's coming back, RIGHT?! AUGH!!!! Seriously, though, I know they're concerned, but he's not going to die (right?). They don't have secret medicine that cures heat stroke other than what they have there that the need to evacuate him, right?! But the medics know what it will cost him to be evacuated, and they usually don't make that decision lightly. But still.

Jeff goes over to Beauty to ask them if they're ok and to tell them that Caleb is being evac'd 2ever (as my daughter says). They're incredulous (duly so) and most of them start crying, except Nick, who I'm pretty sure is a Cylon. Then they load Caleb up on a stretcher and take him away.

Not how I thought Caleb would go out.

They take a little pause to let his tribe tell him bye, and he shares a lingering hand touch with his BFF Tai. SRSLY NO

Jeff gathers everyone around to give a rundown of the event (2 and a half people got heat stroke, man it's tough out here SLRRP my lemonade). Drama, much?

Back at Brawn camp, Alecia is giving Scot what for about being such a giant jerk to her in the sand pit. He's pretty unapologetic, although he tries to say that he really did appreciate her trying to pump them up, so his comment was not totes sarcastic. My eyes literally hurt from rolling so hard. She's not backing down and Im' pretty impressed that she's not letting him get away with being so mean, even though everyone else on her tribe is also so mean to her. Well, Cydney isn't so mean forthright, but she's clearly not on her side. Jason gets in on the action. I don't even remember what he said but I know he was being unnecessarily rude. even confesses that he has two girls that he would be ashamed to see growing up like Alecia. Bwah?? She's holding her own; she's been a hard worker at challenges, supportive to the team, kind in the face of adversity, and now she's standing up for herself against to big bullies. You go, girl! I'm rooting so hard for her to find the other half of the super idol.

Chikka chikka wah! (Dramatic music. Did that not come across?) Challenge time. Immunity is up for grabs. And I'm reminded that Caleb almost killed himself for a REWARD challenge. And they didn't even get first place! They only won, like, a blanket and a bag of cotton balls for their comfort reward. Hashtag NOT WORTH IT!! Bring him back! Although, I forgot to mention right after that dramatic heat stroke scene, they gave us this:




Which is unusual and I'm pretty sure their way of saying, don't worry, we'll let him come back next season and play against Joe, Woo, Grant, Malcolm, and everybody who's been a challenge beast. Which, please do that! I'd love a season of super competitive challenges!

So they have to

You wake up in a prison cell. You look around. There's a cot, a trunk on the floor, a sink, and a door. What do you do?

Check the cot.

Check the trunk.

Check the sink.

Check the door.

Survivor: "The Circle of Life" or "It's Not Your Plan"

So, last week on Survivor: the Brawn tribe is seriously down in numbers with a penchant for self-imploding. Jen the Bugonator got herself sent home because she couldn't. stop. talking. Let's see how Team Red does this week.

Speaking of people who can't keep their mouths shut, Scot is back at camp, regaling Alecia with stories of why she didn't go home this week, as if he had anything to do with it. She's like, if Jen was going home, why did you write my name down? He's like, I totally know and understand this game. Alecia grows suspicious but trusts Cydney, unfortunately.

Over on the Beauty tribe, Tai throws caution to wind and plods off in the direction of the idol. You can see the marks from his last attempt on his chest and the inside of both thighs. Ugh. When he gets there, he realizes he's lost the tool that will help him get it. I'm thinking he immediately forgot about it after he got it, otherwise his body wouldn't be all scarred up. Anyway, he chews and ties a new tool into place like a hungry MacGyver and pops the key out, and gets the first idol of the game! But, "There is a twist to this idol."

I chose these pictures so you can see that yes, it literally says "Super Idol." I'm surprised there's not a trademark on that. Apparently this Super Idol comes with a cape and can be played AFTER all the votes have been read. Ok, awesome. Terrible name, though. Did Jeff force that one through? Tai is one happy little dude.

Next, we head on over to Smarts and they're all hanging out. Peter and Liz are chilling in the water, planning every move they'll make up until their jury speeches. 

Famous last words, or something like that?

Debbie, even though she's a total crackpot, has definitely watched this show before. She narrows her eyes and yells at the confessional camera man that she's not lying down and taking orders and they need to move. She tells Joe that if they get Aubry and Neal on board, they can take down the other two. She does the legwork and the four of them are ready to leave Peter and Liz out in the cold.

Back at Sexy Tribe, they decide to kill a chicken. Tai is pretty upset about it, and everyone is pretty supportive of his feelings. Well, Caleb and Tai are BFFs and the girls are all about it. But Nick is a little bit...unaware. He's like, Tai will get over it.

Read the room, man.

The girls are like, duh, we're going to eat it too. We just have feelings, unlike you. Just look at their faces. They're thoroughly unimpressed. So one of them (I don't know any of their names because they've never spent any time in Tribal) goes to Caleb to make some plans.

"I totally don't like Nick. He's like, super mean. Let's vote him out if we lose."

"That's cute you think we'll ever lose a challenge. But whatever, I'm down. Plus I'm never voting for Tai."

The last check-in at camp is with the Brawn tribe, and it's super awkward and uncomfortable. Alecia magically finds a clue to the idol, reinforcing my idea that the producers want to keep her here. She takes it to Cydney and they start digging around the bottom of a tree, like Tai. Cydney tells Alecia to go find a hoe to dig, which she does, and then Cyd (I'm going start calling her Cyd because I keep getting corrected to Sydney and ain't nobody got time for that) reveals she has found the box the idol's in! But of course it's locked, so she can't get in. Jason sees them so they try to play it cool, even though Cydney is not even on Alecia's side. They go back to camp all, hum de dum dum. Cydney tells the boys, and Jason heads over to where they were digging. He finds the map but not the box, so he runs like a bat out of hell with Scot on his heels like a puppy dog to find the key up high in the air. They, like Tai, quickly construct a long tool to poke check the key out of it's box. Alecia and Cyd are following them  vaguely around this whole time. Everyone knows what's going on, but Alecia is not being very aggressive and the boys are pretending she's not even there. It's just the most uncomfortable situation ever. When the key falls, Alecia sort of goes for it, but Jason dives and knocks her out of the way. Then he and Scot run back and unlock the idol out of it's box and Alecia is just standing over them, like, dang, that's mine.

We're the best! We're not rude meanies at all.

This is not my day.

So now Alecia is feeling very insecure and hopes they win.

*Cue dramatic challenge time music*

Let's do this

Jeff reveals the challenge. They have to take huge bags of sand through the water, get them through a wooden cage wall, over a balance beam, all the way to the shore. Then they have to dig into them like giant rice bag surgery and get three balls and do this challenge:

And then get it into a hole at the top. Three times.

They're all doing fairly well, except Smarts are behind a bit. When they get to this hole challenge, Beauty pulls away and wins first AGAIN. They're just killing it at challenges. Cydney tries the aggressive approach, jumping the balls up really fast instead of going around, but she misjudges a couple times, stops right at a hole, and Smarts is closing in fast. I'm getting nervous because I'll be SO BORED if Brawn goes to Tribal for the third week in a row. Luckily, they switch it up and close it out before Smarts can get ahead. No offense, Smarts, but YAY you're going to Tribal Council. Some new faces to get chewed up!! Not literally. Ew.

Back at Smarts camp, Liz and Peter get to work right away with what they think are their minions; everybody else. It's awkward. Liz and Peter think they're the smartest slickest players in the game, and everyone is smirking behind their backs, embarrassed at how transparent Leter is. Leter says things like, "The goal is the simplify the process for Debbie and Joe; they just have to write down names and not think about anything complicated" and "Everyone else is just empty clay waiting to be molded. They're not decisive unless given a decision." Eek. I'm nervous for Leter to get a rude awakening at Tribal. I'm also excited.

At Tribal, I'm super surprised that right away Jeff is talking to people about social awareness, and Peter says he's an expert in, as an ER doctor. I'm not sure I want him to be my doctor. Peter says Debbie and Joe are too old, but Peter is friends with everybody. How perfect. Peter says be believes. "the plan" is going forward. Jeff asks Neal (how convenient) does that worry him, Neal says, yeah, you have to wonder which plan. Peter says, "Well, it's not your plan." Jeff makes this face:

Awesome.

Everybody makes smiling shocked faces for various reasons, and Peter calls Neal "Ice cream pants." It's getting ugly in here. Then Peter details their entire plan. Liz backs him up. Jeff subtly prods again about social awareness, which Peter and Liz do not gain in the next 30 seconds. So it's time to vote, and it's getting risky. It's a three way tie between Aubry, Liz and Peter, which doesn't look good for either Liz or Peter, because neither of them can vote next time. And out goes...Liz. That's ok. She needs her pathogen-free water anyway. Peter looks totally shocked and is wondering how to learn some social awareness in the next 3 days. Good-bye, Smarts, hope to see you back here next week!!

Next week, on Survivor: some crazy elemental exposure, and somebody gets an IV in them. Eeeek!

Survivor: "Kindergarten Camp" or "Pathogens, My Butt"

So, here we are, week two in Survivor day camp. On the next page, you'll there's a quiz to find out if you're a Brains, a Beauty or a Brawn! The overuse of the word "Brains" is starting to creep me out, so I'm going to henceforth refer to them as the "Smarts" team. I understand alliteration. Do you understand zombies?

We see a little "Previously On" to get us excited, but it only makes me sad because poor Darnell got sent packing before he had a chance to stab anyone in the back. Then there's the Strong (you like where I'm going? You're welcome) tribe, back in camp with their night-vision cameras after tribal, and Alecia is thanking her tribe for keeping her, saying she'll do better. Scot NBA says, "Now can you trust us? Now can we trust you? Thank you." like he settled the issue. Ugh. It is clear he does not understand this game, or maybe just life. Jason is the kind of Brawn who can win, Scot is the kind of Brawn Jason keeps around to help him win votes. Alecia confesses they were saying they really wanted her here but they were talking crap to her in Tribal and she heard a lot of whispering and maybe someone said "I changed my mind" so perhaps they didn't want her around. Perhaps she doesn't understand the game either. Everyone confesses she was on the brink of destruction when they decided last minute to keep her, despite Darnell's crying. Or because of it? That's cold. Anyway, Jen and Alecia try to start a fire and Alecia keeps getting in the way, which is interspersed with Jason's confessions about how annoying Blondie is. Alecia says they almost got an "embryo" (ember) with the fire, but it went out, and Jason and Scot dream of the day they can send Alecia to Ponderosa or college.

Next is Sexy, showing a division between all the young, hot people floating in the water and Tai, up on the beach staring at them. I'm worried! I like Tai, and he should be awkwardly getting in the water and mixing it up with them. He's worried too, so he decides to look for the idol again, because how much worse could it go this time? Despite finding some red ants, he keeps looking and finds - a paper in a tree! "The hidden immunity idols is buried at the base of this tree." Interesting. He finds a bunch of weird things, and the note says the idea is locked in a box right there, but he has to go find a key to unlock it, hidden at the top a palm tree somewhere. Interesting again. The idol-hiding team is really getting creative these last couple seasons. Idols in challenges? Idols you found but have to unlock? Great work, everybody. So he finds the tree and tries to climb it, but his feet are literally bleeding as he tries to get up there.

Tree-frogging it again

Augh!  Gross! His body is all sandpapered up!  They gave him a tool when he found the idol box that he doesn't seem to be using, so I wonder what it is and if it is an elevator. He doesn't make it and he'll try again later. Ugh!!!

After a commercial break, we head on over to the Smarts tribe, giddy with their newfound riches and burning their leg hair off with large amounts of kerosene and matches on their fire. They totally seem like pampered scholars, tossing their resources around while the peasants who built their castle are toiling in the fields. Only, it's the people who can live like peasants who make in this show. So we will see. Liz is glad to have a fire because she is so dehydrated because she won't drink the well water because she has to boil it first because it might have germs. I'm split on this issue. Normally, in life, I'm out on drinking random water from places. If Mexico and Naked and Afraid have taught us anything, it is that.  But this is a television show where they now provide you with water. It is standing water, yes, but it is standing in a giant ceremonial urn probably purchased at Home Goods. I think I'd risk it. Debbie agrees with me. She doesn't want to touch Liz's boiled water (like boiling it would make it more contaminated?) because the chance that there are "organic chemicals" in the water needing boiling is slim to none. She is an expert water-looker (apparently that's her job?) and can tell if it's good by looking at it. Add that to her resume. Liz and Debbie are both on my list. Luckily, Debbie is there so we can next have a montage of Debbie moments, started off by Peter saying when he met her he wondered if she has 30 or 40 cats. Probably 40. Probably more like ferrets. I can't even explain everything that is said in the Debbie montage except that it's gold, and Peter completely understands her and how to get her on his side. And it ends with her cheering with palm frond pom-poms "We've got the biggest FRONTAL LOBES!" And lack of social awareness!

She's lits juggling

Next at Beauty, they're eating sugar cane for breakfast and there's a bit of tense situation going on. Someone says they have a kids'  appetite, and Tai thinks that's cute. Beast Mode Caleb says "Oh, you think that's cute?" and glares at him for a while holding a sharp stick, while Tai explains himself and tries to laugh off the glare. Geesh, this isn't looking good.

Awkward...

Tai tells Caleb he missed him last night and he's cuddlelicious. Caleb says last night Tai said he was cold, and asked if he could hold Caleb. In the back country, they don't have a lot of Tais and he's unique. And a weirdo? Is that where we're going? When he asked if he could hold him, Caleb said, sure man, you can hold me. "There is no such thing as homophobe in this man right here. I like hanging out with him, because he is one of a kind, for sure." Ha! Great editing, editing team! I seriously thought this was going a mean direction, but it was actually a setup for a wonderful odd couple bromance! What do I love more than a bromance?! Very little.

Just kidding! We love each other!

They argue about killing a bee, Tai dares Caleb to suck the eyes out of a fish, Tai tries to "bite" some of the fish out of Caleb's mouth, prompting a stolen kiss jokefest. Tai says he hopes he's not getting Caleb in trouble with his girlfriend, and Caleb says, "No, man. Next time, just ask." This is the best! The best!!

Next is trouble at Smarts Manor. Apparently, these smooth, white-handed folks with the large frontal lobes have used too much kerosene and then let most of it spill, while also letting their matches get wet. And now they're having trouble building a fire, because the last fire was built for them on the backs of the working class. Joe and Debbie are bonding over being old and annoyed with messes, and Joe is annoyed with Liz, who is "dying for some freshly boiled water" and trying to micromanage their fire attempts. She's mad because it won't get hot enough to kill any pathogens, and Joe responds with the subtitle. Listen, Joe sounds two grunts away from yelling at Liz to get off his lawn, but I'm not trying to get coffee with her either. She probably doesn't eat at McDonald's. She probably eats freshly ground peanut butter with no salt. Eww. Liz confesses "I'm just really emotional right now because I'm physically very weak, and Joe doesn't seem to understand or appreciate that I really need a fire going." 90% of that statement applies to every person who plays Survivor. Suck it up, princess!!

When you float, your negative neurons get redirected into positive energy

Me whenever Liz talks about pathogens

Lots of complaining is happening over on the Brawn tribe. They're hot, they can't make a fire to kill water pathogens, they can't cook their chicken, they're sunburned, Alecia is annoying, they have earbugs. Jen interviews that they may look brawny but - they're really scrawny?!! We're really weak. Ah, boo. You missed that chance, Jen. Alecia is trying to buy back good graces so she spends 4 or 5 hours trying to get the fire going while everybody sleeps. Eventually she hits pay dirt and gets a spark and the others rush over to help it. Yay! People are impressed with her resolve and they eat some chicken and feel happy.

Dramatic music ushers in our next challenge. It looks like a really good one. I'm excited. They have to carry a heavy log through river and some obstacles, then they have to slingshot some bags to hit two things down. Basically. Let's begin.

Survivors ready?

And they're off! Slogging through the water toward the logs looks like great fun. Then out of nowhere, Caleb Beast-Modes it through the water ahead of everyone else. He's practically hopping along the top like a hungry sea skater.

Go Caleb, go Caleb, go, go, go

The next person after him (about 2.5 miles back) is Jason, who sees the tiny speck ahead of him that is Caleb and turns on his inner beast mode. The two of them make it to the logs ahead of everyone else by a long shot, getting started on untying the logs. Caleb is like, "Cool, I see you also took that course on how to walk on water in boot camp." Wait, coincidence the two of them were the ones in the military? I don't think so. Also wait, Jeff just said they can't start untying until everyone is there. Did he just make that up on the spot to punish them for being unreasonably fast? He's just jelly.

Anyway, they all get their logs untied and Brawn is first by a bit. I can just see them summoning their chicken strength. All three tribes are sloshing through the water carrying the logs on their shoulders. Jeff reminds them that the logs are about 300 pounds each. As the get to the first obstacle, all three tribes realize they can float their logs along the river instead of carrying them around like a seat for Xerxes, and they all do that for the remainder of the race.

Ahhh, so relaxing

As you can see, Beauty catches up with Brawn and Smarts is behind by a couple lengths.



Beauty and Brawn reach the last obstacle puzzle maze thing at the same time, with Smarts pulling up the rear.

"Use that gray matter!" Unfortunately, I think they are.

Yellow is hauling through the maze, with people just toppling out of it into the water. That's the kind of attitude I like to see! By the time everyone's through the maze, untie the rope from the log and head to the platform with the slingshot, Beauty has pulled way ahead and Smarts has caught up to Brawn. However, Yellow's rope is too tangled and Brawn ends up taking the first slingshot - shot. ? Caleb's flip out of the water and bedazzled jeans are not helping his tribe - OH WAIT Brawn misses and Caleb hits on his first try. They're officially in the lead, but Bug Jen is reeling in her rope like a crazy woman and Blue hits on their first try also. Red finally hits, Yellow hits and wins first immunity!! It's a race between Peter, the ER doctor and Scot the NBAer and the edge goes to - Blue! Smarties pull ahead for the immunity! Way to go, guys. Red is not sad they killed their chicken because it's looking like none of them will make it to the merge. Although of course they can't be true because it wouldn't make any sense. Back to Tribal Council, suckers!! And yet again, the show is following the pattern of when there are three tribes, the first team to lose will just keep on losing. Three tribes is too many! It doesn't work!

Back at camp there's lots of sadness and discussion about sending Alecia home. She runs off and tries to find an idol, and I'm sure she will because I can feel it in my bones that the producers don't want her to go home. However, she doesn't find one. What she does find is Jen, eager to chat about an all-girls alliance and she's thinking about sending Jason home. This is a good idea. Jason is a good contender and he and Scot are close. Jen brings it to Cydney, and Cydney is down. Then as she is talking to the boys again, she's like, actually maybe not. She literally says something like, I'm the kind of person who will get distracted by shiny things and think about something but maybe it's not a good idea. She tells Cydney she's not sure about the whole Jason thing. Cydney is like, girl, you better get your act together. Sounds like more decisions to be made in Tribal.

They get to Tribal and Jeff says, Alecia, you probably feel like you're on the chopping block. Yep, she does. Then he pulls out the notes he took while hiding around in the bushes of the Brawn camp and talks to Jen, saying there are lots of ways things could go, one of which is an all-girls alliance that would try to take down the boys. She says, yeah, sure things were up in the air. Way to go, Jeff. The ting-a-ling music plays and Jason and Scot raise their at Jen. Scot says he's never heard this, so he's concerned. At first, Jen has the smug smile of someone who is surprising with big moves, and Jason says the great thing about this game is that it can change "on the drop of a dime." They argue, and the boys call her out, that from all they heard she was good with them but now they're hearing she was wavering, talking about voting out Jason. Finally, Jen's bug crawls out of her ear and she starts to realize she's making some terrible, terrible decisions. She starts backpedaling, saying just because there were other ideas thrown around doesn't mean the plan was changed, and she's a nice person so she was trying to make Alecia feel good her last day around, and that Alecia is spreading lies. Alecia is watching this self-destructive personal tennis match with wide eyes and a wider smile. The boys say they didn't know any of this until Jen herself started talking about it right now. In the grande finale, she stands up on the bench with her arms out, pleading them to keep her because she's super devoted to her alliance and so so strong.

This is amazing. Yay for semi-starvation and awkward social situations!

They totally believe her. At least, that's what I get from Jason frowning and shaking his head at Cydney. Time to vote.
Jen.
Alecia.
Alecia.
Jen.
dum dum dum
Jen!!!
Best day ever! All I want from Survivor is people self-imploding and throwing rice in the fire, drowning shoes in the ocean and getting themselves voted off by telling their alliance they were thinking about betraying them. Even better is Jenn exit-interviewing that she is shocked they didn't keep her and she has no regrets and also that she doesn't even miss that part of her brain the worm ate.

Next week on Survivor: A mad dash for the idol in Brawn tribe and some pushing down of small blonde females in the jungle. Tune in.

Survivor: "I'm a Mental Giant" or "I'm the Beast Mode Cowboy"

The Survivor premiere. My favorite night of the year. Well, more like favorite 4 nights of the year because MAN is this show prolific. No complaining from this couch! Survivor is such a perfect show; a glorious combination of entertaining physical challenges, teamwork vs individual strength, secret alliances and back-stabbing, living in a foreign jungle, and pooping in the ocean. What more do you need? Like, I love this show so much, every time is new season starts I'm a little sad because I know it will end. Ok. Whatever. The Amazing Race is good too.

So, our heroes are introduced in a signature beautiful shot of ocean and jungle interspersed with various fauna.

Ah, Wednesday night boat rides.

Seriously, how have the cameramen on Survivor never won an Emmy? Or an Oscar? Is it called cinematography if it's on a TV show? Ok, the Interwebs have answered all of our questions. Well, many of them. Like, yes, it is called cinematography on TV. And Survivor has been nominated for multiple Emmys every year since its inception in 2001, including Outstanding Cinematography in a Reality-Based Competition (like, seriously, the need to be so specific? It's like a back-handed compliment) and Outstanding Picture Editing a bunch of times. It even won a couple times. Jeff has won 4 years in a row for being the host. Is it because they like how much he controls the game with his leading questions? Lastly, it won the first year in this category: Outstanding Non-Fiction Program (Special Class) (Area Award: Possibility of one, more than or no- 
Literally. Hm???

Ok! Stop distracting me with information!

So we start getting introduced to our three tribes of fresh meat. I was all, aww, three tribes again?! Boo! And my husband was like, yeah, it's Brains, Beauty, Brawn this season. I know. I'm making cookies paying attention.

Duh sauce.

So first up we have the super muscley brawny brawn tribe including an ex-pro basketball player, a bounty hunter, a professional lady body-builder, a postal worker, and a real estate agent. SCREEEEEECH. You heard right, folks, one of those legendary realtors with muscles of adamantium is here from the Amazon to fight for the right to become the one true Survivor. Or something like that.

Yes, that front guy and that blonde chick are on the same Brawn tribe.

Listen, though, she said she was basically an extreme thrill seeker and she does seem like a scrappy go-getter, so I'm willing to reserve judgement.

Next up are the gorges, the Beauty tribe.

They posed him just so.

They are boringly attractive; a personal trainer, a chick poker player, a bartender, an ex-military dude who now does something else I can't remember but called gave us the subtitle of this recap, and a tiny Asian guy with Harry Potter glasses. Yep. The tiny Asian guy is a gardener who loves all living things including trees and chickens. I was like, say what? No offense to him, but why is he in this tribe? Was there a beauty contest for tiny Asian gardeners and he got first place? Or, as I profoundly guessed, because I am a sensitive soul who understands that the words Brains, Beauty and Brawn mean more than the traditional definitions, was he there because he has a beautiful soul? We shall see.

Brainiac Convention, coming up.

Look at that impressive combined GPA.

There's an ER doctor who looks like a certain President of a certain country, a chemist who is lits crazy, a nervous girl who does data analysis, maybe? and an ice cream entrepreneur. And when you're on this tribe, you pronounce it enTREpreneur. They're going to use their smarts to win blah blah blah. No they won't. They'll find their inner well-rounded strength or they'll be booted like the last brains tribe.

Jeff, who apparently has been hiding on this boat the whole time in some neutral territory, not willing to box himself in to one favorable adjective, pops up and announces that it is scramble time; we're tossing the anchor and you all overboard, so grab what you can while you can! There is the general mad dash to grab whatever the first season of Survivors would have given their left hands to have access to, and someone jumps into the ocean after a chicken. Oh, it's the beast mode cowboy. That's how they do it in the country, ya'll!!

Success, at least!

"I think I'll have steak tonight. Maybe ribs. Definitely a massage. The first day is stressful."

The tribes get out to sea finally with their spoils, with Jeff gleefully sending them off, and they go to make their respective camps and friendships and early, overzealous alliances.

Here is the red team, or Brawn, or some vaguely Asian sounding name that I don't know because on these themed seasons the tribe names mean nothing, bonding over being so strong. Oh, their tribe name is To Tang. Interwebs 2, me 2 because I know more now.

Ah, they love each other.

 Starting from the left, we have Cydney, a professional body-builder and shade-thrower, as we will see later in this episode. Darnell, a postal worker who grew up in Chicago who may or may not be really good at diving. Jason, a tatted bounty hunter who I think used to be in the military. Alecia, an extreme real estate agent. Scot, a "former NBA champion". Jen, a construction worker. They all stomp around camp breaking things and chopping things down and getting sunburned and not being good at counting and calling Alecia "blondie", while she contributes very little to the preparation of camp except for the location suggestion. It's not looking good for her. Good try expanding definitions, Survivor. This happens for a while, and then something else happens. E Online called it "The Actual Most Disturbing Thing Ever Happened in the Survivor 32 Premiere" and they're not wrong. So Jen the hammerer is complaining about a bug having crawled in her ear, and it feels weird and it hurts. It hurts more and she thinks her ear is bleeding. Then she starts having to cry out in pain because she feels it burrowing in more and she can hear it's little legs crawling around in there. I want to be totally grossed out and also sympathetic, but I also kind of think she's a loon. Maybe she just got an ear infection from the water or maybe she's already going crazy from this situation. Why isn't medical coming? Why aren't her other team mates pouring water in her ear to flush away Mr. Creepy Crawly? What is happening? She spends a night like this and I am so confused. Then, in an unexplainedly perfect shot, we see a little clear worm with what looks like blood in it inch out from her ear and start traversing around the edge. Her team mates come over and whip out the microscope and talk about it for a while before grabbing the thing off her and squishing the little spelunker to oblivion. She's like, I feel totally better let's run a marathon. Or at least win the challenge. So....WHAT THE CRAP???!?!!? Was there for real a tiny worm/bug in her ear all day and night????? And where the heck was medical? Seriously, that is not ok. I feel like I could take most of what Survivor offers, even the relentless rain, but bugs burrowing around in my ear is not on the menu. AUGH!!!!!!! However, she and all her team mates are just pumped up, like, yeah, you feel better! Good! Weirdos.

Then there was the Brains, or blue, or Chan Loh tribe.

"What's your regression analysis of Survivor, then?"

We've got Aubry, a social media marketer. Joe, a former hostage negotiator for the FBI (say what?!). Barely pictured: Neal, an ice cream store/brand owner who seems like he is so done with all these nerds already. Obama  Peter, an ER doctor, who can hopefully MacGyver some splints for his teammates out of bamboo later on in the season. Debbie, a chemist and certifiable crazy. Liz, a quantitative strategist, who, surprisingly, has not already done a regression analysis of Survivor. They wander around being fairly nerdy but getting their shelter started. When Debbie first interviewed on the boat, I knew even before this sentence that she was doomed: "The challenges will lay down before me like lovers." And THEN she started babbling to the FBI guy that she's a survival expert and makes fire without flint like a boss. Then in the next scene she's telling the ice cream guy how to make fire and he's doing the grunt work. This will be interesting. Also, people say things like "We can't show up as the Brains team and we haven't made fire, like, from an evolutionary standpoint." *blank stare emoji* Later, there's a pan over of three tribe mates weaving palm frond things together down by the beach in the hot hot heat, and the Bostonian social media marketer gets heatstroke/panic attacked and has to lay down in the shelter. Like, do people actually not understand that the sun is hot? I didn't grow up in the snow but I wouldn't wander around doing crafts in a blizzard with a shorts and t-shirt. Whatever. She kept saying "I wish you guys would have met me at home. I wish you guys would have met me...." and patting their legs. Neal Ice Cream is staring at her and all he's hearing is Jeff saying "Brains tribe, I've got nothing for you. I'll see you at tribal." However, the best part of this is Crazy Debbie is actually super nice and sympathetic to Aubry and takes care of her in the shelter. Maybe she'll be like Holly from Nicaragua who threw Dan's shoes in the ocean and then magically stayed around to repent and make friends.  Have crazy, will vote with you in this show.

Lastly, there are adventures with the beauty tribe.

A little more of the wind machine, please?

This is the best group shot I could get of these fools. We have the yellow beautiful Gondol tribe. I looked up everybody's names and stuff and couldn't remember who goes with whom. Anna, a professional poker player is who is not about using her lady assets to win at things. Caleb, an army veteran and an expert chicken-catcher. He should go on America's Got Talent if he doesn't win this million dollars. Julia, a college student. Snooze. Michelle, a bartender. Nick, a personal trainer who looks like he had a small part in an 80's movie as the rival team's quarterback or something. Tai, a gardener who is already my favorite person on any of the three beaches and climbs a tree to get coconuts like a little Vietnamese tree frog. Seriously, he's awesome. Throughout the afternoon, the girls weave palm fronds and the men chop things. Then Tai goes to look for an idol and everyone freaks out and says he's untrustworthy. I'm not sure if any of them have ever seen Survivor before, because the fact that he didn't pretend he was just checking out the scenery probably means he's more trustworthy than anyone else on the tribe. And everyone should be looking for idols at ALL TIMES. Calm down, everyone.

Ok, that's enough making friends. It's time for this:

First challenge time!

"Come on in, guys." The sounds of Jeff saying his same lines over and over could lull me to sleep. But I wouldn't want it to, because that would be creepy.

So the teams have to dive off a platform to untie knots to release a boat, row the boat to shore and dock it on a ramp, and then either do a puzzle or shoot something at something. Spoiler, no one chose to shoot something at something, so I didn't pay attention to it. The teams divide up the tasks. Over at Brawn, Darnell the postal worker says he's a good diver. Are you sure? Yeah yeah I can do it. Dunh dunh dunh. Alecia is designated to do the puzzle, she says she's no good at puzzles. Not with that attitude you can't, is what she's told. Dunh dunh dunh. Blue jumps in, yellow jumps in, red jumps in, all madness is happening as the teams try to do stuff. Darnell jumps in and immediately loses the goggles that the entire team has to use. They fall behind as they struggle to untie knots underwater. Beauty and Brains pull ahead and are rowing their boats to shore. Brawn finally finishes and are rowing like crazy. Alecia doesn't have an oar but is heroically scooping water behind her with her bare hands. The other two teams reach the shore but have trouble pushing their boats up the ramp to dock. Red catches up; Jason the tatted bounty hunter jumps out of the boat and pulls the boat the last bit to shore. Brawn manages to live up to their name and get their boat docked before the other two teams, teasing a comeback. They get to the puzzle first. Jen the bug lady and Alecia "Blondie" start if off. And by that I mean, Jen starts putting puzzle pieces in and Alecia watches. Her team tells her to tag out and she runs back saying, "I said I was no good at puzzles." Sigh. Aubry and Liz are on the puzzle for Brains, Julia and Anna for Beauty. The censoring team at CBS fails us they pan over the two of them. There's cheering, jeering, puzzling and - Brains wins immunity!

When I win on Hollywood Game Night, I want Jeff to pop out doing this.

It's neck and neck between yellow and red, piece after piece going in. They're so close, they've almost done it - Beauty wins by a hair! According to the editing. Brawn is sent a-packing to discuss who to get the boot.

Back at red camp, people immediately start apologizing. Alecia says she's sorry she sucks at puzzles, Darnell says he basically lost the challenge for them by not understanding the physics of water hitting a pair of goggles. Pretty much everyone is ready to write Darnell, but Cydney, the lady-muscle, says she wants Darnell around because they bonded earlier over being the same color. RED. Geez. Pretty much everyone says either Darnell or Alecia and they'll probably decide at Tribal Council. Which is always a good idea.

"Welcome to your first Tribal council in this game fire represents your life blah blah" is pretty much verbatim from Probst. He questions them with pointed questions and people say Darnell's dumb and Alecia had a defeatist attitude. She defends, saying she's not super strong but she's a mental giant and the game won't beat her down. For some reason, Cydney is looking annoyed and shaking her head. Probst calls her out because he loves making people feel uncomfortable and I don't even remember what she says, except it's something like "I'm writing Alecia." Darnell says he's sorry, he used to be a lifeguard but he forgot about goggles and he grew up poor in Chicago and then he starts crying. Alecia is like, Are we already supposed to cry?! Bug-Jen says when Darnell talks about starting with nothing, she understands and it hits her hard. I'm nervous about the direction things are taking. "It's time to vote." Alicia tries to write Darnell but forgets to take the cap off the pen. Cydney votes for "Allicia" and says she is starting to irk her soul, a lot. Geez, Cyd. Let's read the votes. Alecia. Darnell. Allicia. Darnell. Allychia. Darnell. It's a tie! In our very first Tribal Council! Yay! Make them solve differential equations! They just revote. This time one person changes their vote to -

Good appropriately solemn face, Probst.

Aw. I actually kind of like Darnell. Even though generally I hate when people take responsibility for losing, it was basically his fault and he was owning up and the first week is so nit-picky it really says nothing about him as a player. If he dropped the goggles 15 days later it wouldn't even matter. But someone had to go out the first week and it was Darnell, signing off.

Whew. That was epic. Extra runtime plus lots of introductions plus the phrase "Brown trout!" made for a very long first recap. However, next week promises even more shad via Cydney, more starving, more looking for idols, and Asian gardeners trying to kiss Beast Mode Cowboys. Tune in next time!

Survivor: "You Call, We'll Haul" or "Wentworth, Does Not Count"

So this week on Survivor there was some actual shakeup going on. Some good, old-fashioned, change-it-up. Tribal council most nights has become predictable and snoozy, with players being afraid to make the quintessential "big move" despite everyone being smarter than ever in terms of game knowledge and strategy talk. Last week when Sierra (Ciera?) was all "Play the game!" I was all for the shush-shush, but how is she actually right?! This week a couple players messed themselves out of winning a million dollars, one of them potentially and one of them actually.

Let's start with not the denouement. Instead, let's please dwell on how there absolutely needs to be reward challenges every week. Especially in the individual state of the game. Not only does it break up viewing, it gives the players much-needed time to refresh strategize!! While it's nice to see people actually eating and being happy and delirious with nourishment, instead of picking sadly at two pieces of rice and a raw snail, the reward is the best time to give people the chance to talk to others outside their alliance and think about the moves they can make. Fishback (sp? what are the chances of such a weird name being spelled exactly as it sounds?) is completely right. Bonding happens on rewards. Chatting happens on rewards. Plans for big moves to "play the game" happen on rewards. It's true that often people get home and when the high of eating a slice of bread wears off and the rosy glow of a brownie turns brown and sandy, they go back to their alliance. But at least the chance to do those exciting-to-the-viewers things is provided and isn't that all production really cares about? Plus we get to see some relaxed survivors having fun and Keith gets some screen time (he's on this season?) which is awesome because Keith is awesome and who knew he knew how to drive a tut-tut? I literally thought he was going to tip them over into the ocean. It would have been awesome.

Also, in addition to the secret Ponderosa footage, can we see some video of this Survivor Cafe in business all the time? Who knew such a thing existed? Do the Cambodian locals stop by after they stumble through the jungle to try some American food? 

Ooh, and some footage of Jeff with what he does not at challenges/Tribal Council. Just some silent, unknown-to-him, secretly taken footage of him going back and forth between his hotel hidden just around the corner and his hiding places all over camp so he can hear what everyone is talking about. And then one little reel with sound about him practicing for Tribal Council.

So back to how Joe thought he dropped the mic and instead dropped a million dollars. Oops, spoiled the ending. But that's all I can think about! Joe lost it for himself. I was just thinking that he seems to actually be doing well for himself this time, and not just challenge-wise, because although he's a challenge beast, strategy doesn't seem to be his strong suit. Leading a group of ladies in beach yoga? His strong suit. Sitting in the trees communing with nature? His strong suit. Making jewelry? Theoretically his strong suit. Survivor strategy? Not so much. But these last couple weeks I've thought, oh, he seems to be thinking about things and planning and willing to act. I should have seen the signs with his first individual immunity challenge win. Yes, it's probably a great idea to give all the people whispering about how you're the one to beat in immunity challenges and should be taken out at first opportunity vindication, by literally setting the tone that you're the one beat by winning the first ever individual challenge! Would it have been so hard to lose it, to say, I'm just human, I don't win every single challenge ever all the time? Although maybe his plan is just to win every single challenge ever all the time and then we don't have a problem. And I'm not really advocating throwing challenges; I just know the bullseye on his back is getting any smaller. 

So Fishback is gunning hard for the "golden boy" and crying a lot about various things. He definitely seems like he could have used that reward. But then his plans are upset by a SURPRISE win by Joe. So Fishback and Co are not voting for Joe. Joe tries to make some waves by putting Fishback's (Oh, I just looked it up and apparently it's Fishbach) name out there, and he's gaining traction. Wentworth and Ciera, who are kind of on the outs with everyone, are down to clown for FB. So Joe takes it to trusty Savage, who was not for the Joe plan, and Savage takes it to Jeremy, Tasha and Spencer. The train screeches to a halt when they are unsure that they want to ditch FB. So here is where it gets "Play the game!" Savage and, in turn, Joe are all oh, ok, no FB? Then whatever you want, guys. Savage and Joe should have cut their losses and went ahead with the FB plan. It's Savage, Joe, Wentworth, Ciera, and Abi for sure for Fishbach. And probably Wigglesworth and Kimmi. Then it's Fishbach, Jeremy, and Tasha for who knows who else. Spencer and Keith don't matter either way. Instead, not only do they lay down for the majority, Joe TELLS WENTWORTH THEY'RE VOTING FOR HER. And they do. Every single person besides Ciera, Wentworth, and Abi vote for Wentworth. And because she had wind of it, she played her IMMUNITY IDOL. And so we heard "Wentworth, does not count" more times then we've ever heard "The tribe has spoken." And so the de facto elim went to Savage!! So now Joe is down his best ally and protector against FB AND he's down friends in the annoying girly 3 because he flip-flopped and tried to vote WW out. And now Savage is down in life in the game which is represented by fire because he was afraid of breaking up the status quo. Can you use status quo that way? Maybe. Maybe I'm breaking up the status quo by using it that way.

Can we talk for one brief sec about the beauty of not splitting the votes? The one time in like, Survivor history people weren't all crazy for splitting votes in case there is an Idol, there is an Idol! How lovely. That's good TV.

So now my pick for the winner is upended. Savage and Joe were both pretty good votes, and Joe may still win if he wins every challenge from here on out. Which is not a ridiculous thing to think may happen. But the second he loses he is outta here, down to Ponderosa with Savage and Kass. Who both flipped people off this week. Wow. Sounds fun. I'm going to put Wentworth out there, because she and Ciera are actually doing things, if not only because WW happened to have an idol. And if it's Ciera and WW in the end, right now WW is more impressive because she is the one who made that bomb Tribal Council happen. Depending on the how the rest of the season flows, Ciera could rise up. Also, FB and Jeremy are in my top. Tasha seems like more of a follower, so if she were against either of them, I'm not sure she'd come out on top. If Spencer can finagle through and make some moves, he's a contender. But he can't be shy and he can't ride the coattails of the Fishbach, Jeremy and Tasha alliance. He's got to break them. So: Wentworth or Ciera, Fishbach or Jeremy, or Spencer. Those are my contenders for the title of Sole Survivor.

Next week, on Survivor. Looking for an Idol because everyone is reminded that they exist and anyone, even a dumb-dumb like WW can have one. I'm assuming that's what they were thinking. And  neither the challenge nor that challenge-within-a-challenge look like they're going to disturb Joe's reign of terror.